Then dust yourself off and try again

[xperceniol_sal]

Ok and Okay, so even though this is a tech forum, I hope in the general chat area of the forum I can create this journal - also in remembrance of a dear friend digidave AKA Ponder as I hope he will find his way here to us - I'm still the same genuine person you knew back then and although things change and situations beyond our control happen (such as the fact I now live in a group home) true friend find their way(s) back to people again if it is so meant to be.

So I'll stay here and perhaps move over to the general chat and more casual forum that could be setup at some point from our maintainer K4sum1 and I'm very grateful to be back here, but I will also stay at MSFN and the XP Forum as well .

Today was very productive and I walked to the dollar store (about 1 mile and a 1/2) and it feels good to be back even walking alone on the sidewalk because you/we aren't alone - we are always here FOR ourselves and its quite alright to walk alone WITH yourself. Sure being out in public is very difficult for me as I suffer from extreme awful social phobia and agoraphobia, but I'm working on that every day to salvage this life and my remaining time on this planet as we never (truly) know when our time is up.

Ok ... see you in the AM tomorrow everyone and well wishes to all members of Eclipse forum.

Stay strong everyone

Edited by me to fix errors.

[xperceniol_sal]

Good morning ... what is so good about it I'm unsure ... kidding (a little)

so I decided to change my avatar to a roller coaster because this describes the 'ups and downs' of my life.

I'd like to be more of a computer tech poster but I have limited computer knowledge and I admit that.

Was a rough night but I did manage to get about 5 and 1/2 hours of QUALITY sleep and overall feel pretty good physically and mentally considering. A little bit of brain fog but luckily no depression.

I was a bit bummed to have to take down the Christmas decorations last night but they decided it was time, me, I could leave em up all year long Lol

I've survived much in this 50 years and I must be mindful of how far I've come because I'm very hard on myself. I continue to meditate as part of my morning routine and pay close attention to my plant that is blossoming very well. I turned him (Him ... Lol) around so as it will start to lean again towards the sun. Its a hawaiian-pothos. I'm trying to repair and salvage what is left of this life and to heal both physically and mentally and be present and set boundaries and realize everyday my purpose which is to love myself and accept my limitations and shortcoming. I've come and get up and get in the shower early now instead of sitting in sweat pants all day regardless of whether or not I walk.



Other than that I'm happy to resume my morning/afternoon walks as I noticed it brightens up my mood(s) but I'm still sometimes sleeping too late which throws me off the next night.

Se ya later and comments are always welcomed but not expected. Also feel free to share with me any good movie recommendations and I'd love to hear what others are doing with this short life. I would love to hear from other eclipse members. I'm sort of shy but I don't bite and I love to chat casually about mostly anything at all that comes to mind. That being said, sometimes I can be "out there" so thank in in advance and I profess to be noting other than just little old me and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I hope everybody is managing well and enjoying their day/evening out there reading.

[xperceniol_sal]

Back from the walk and even though I was *technically* alone I was far from it because I was right there beside me and with me the whole time. Ok, now you all are going to think I'm completely bonkers (oh don't be so shocked ... hehe) work with me here, but some of the best conversations I've ever had are with myself. I guided myself right through it and I make my own best therapy visit.

Ha

Weather is absolutely gorgeous. LMAO....

48°F
Mostly sunny
Air quality


24
Wind
5 mph
Humidity
59%
Feels like
59°
Visibility
9.9 mi
UV index
1
Pressure
30.19 in
Dew point
35°

Enjoy your day everyone.

[xperceniol_sal]

Overall today was OK considering and all.

Just ate dinner and expecting to have quiet night and watch High Crimes with Ashley Judd and I usually go to bed around 10:30 but have to be offline now by 7:30. I managed to also get out and social contact with others is forced and quite awkward for me. In a lot of ways I'm socially inept and keep to myself nowadays.

I do feel comfortable here and safe and am grateful to be welcome back on eclipse.

Not much else to report really other than I avoid phone calls like the plague as I HATE speaking on the phone, but I do have appointments and people need to confirm appointments and I don't trust email do to a drama incident that occurred back in 2014/2015 where the predator was able to scrape my computer username and mac address from the header alone and I no longer trust it and I don't use a VPN.

Ok and Okay ... the weather was so very nice today and I know I got sunshine because my glasses turned dark whilst outside walking.

Be well everyone and I'd love to get a reply, but again, not expected at all.

"And if at first you don't succeed (Oh)
Then dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again
'Cause if at first you don't succeed
You can dust it off and try again
Dust yourself off and try again, try again
Again, again"

Take good care..

All the best,

Sal

[xperceniol_sal]

Gosh I feel really guilty pushing Roytam1 off the main page at the top - Maybe people may not be aware that is was in fact Roytam1 that brought me to these computer tech forums in 2018; prior to that I mainly stuck to depression and anxiety forums. Trust me folks avoid depression and anxiety forums - nothing good comes from them and they are loaded with troll city right now. But I digress, looking back over the years since I joined MSFN in in 2018 I've learned so much and am still learning as I never even guessed just what my computers can do and back them I was lucky find the power button.

So thank you @Roytam1 for your continued hard work to keep us XP and Vista users still in business today in 2024. My word where have the years gone.

Unfortunately my mind could not handle High Crimes with Ashley Judd last night as my mind was quite scattered and so I decided to go ahead and put on Face Off with Nicholas Cage instead and that was good so as I didn't have to think too hard.

I went for me daily walk today and little later in the afternoon than expected, but I was glad to get out and fight the sadness and regret(s) and the "let down" of how much my body has changed over the years and this new found radical acceptance that I've had to adopt to get through this new chapter of my life. I've changed and I MEAN A LOT over the years ... some good way(s) and also some way(s) I'd hope would not occur and I hear of people receiving text messages on their phones and I think to myself I have VERY serious trust issues that I doubt I can (or even want) to change at this point and my therapist says this is alright. Mostly I only to to her and my doctors now and my plant (hehe) and I'm quite happy walking alone with myself on this journey.

I sincerely hope everyone reading this and the good folks at eclipse are doing well and this posting finds you well.

Be well.

[xperceniol_sal]

Being out in public is actually quite a stressful event for me and all I did today was go out to the shopping center. I don't know, I guess, like, I feel too much and pick on the vibes and things are in uproar here in the US now and I'm soooo glad to be home with my plant watching "I know What You Did Last Summer" and its quiet and everybody is gone for now. I'm far too sensitive and I give that away in my eyes and facial (lack of) expressions. My body language tells people I'm a walking target so I try to avoid eye contact as much as possible and I think that is best for safety reason.

But each and every time, I'll dust myself and try; try again and never give up/in. That being said, it is possible to give in without giving up but I don't have the words or the energy to go into detail right now - maybe another time.

I hope everybody is doing well today.

EDIT: I removed the old forum so as we do NOT want any connection to that old dead mental health forum and also to fix mistakes I made with my crazy typing Lol

[xperceniol_sal]

I guess sometimes that point comes where I need to face reality (even if it is grim) and own up to what I've done wrong and learn from that. I can't go back and change the past rather hope to not make the same mistakes in judgment going forward. Did you notice I avoid usually saying "the future" (has not happened yet) because life is very much 'one foot in from of the other' and just going forward not backwards and keep moving and staying in motion and going with the flow moment-by-moment. I was lucky in a lot of ways to have both good and bad examples - they were both very important and making me whom I am today, and heck, I lived to tell about it, when others are in the ground.

Realistic expectations going forward and I'll leave it at that today.

Well 7:35PM and need to get offline for the day and do some house cleaning and laundry I here calling my name ROF...

Be well everyone.

[xperceniol_sal]

To be honest ... I feel things are as they should be and its a matter of settling into this life I've created for myself and my therapist says there really isn't anything wrong with being reclusive so long as you don't feel is if you are missing out. I've already been through the deep lows regarding suicide and being dead and this is simply 'off the table' at this point. I'm here until there is no more and I just take is day-by-day and “Be mindful. Be grateful. Be positive. Be true. Be kind." and be "Grateful" for others lost the fight. I hope for the best seeing I'm not religious ... but that being said I have faith that I'm being taken care of by the universe because otherwise why am I here?! What is this life - I'll never know and nobody has come up with a solid answer and its not for me to figure that part out at this stage in the game and I know I have limited time left and must make the best of it.

I do hope something (even 1 thing) I wrote here resonated with somebody out there.

I guess I felt so bad when you were only offering me support K4sum1 in my thread over there and you were jumped on for only doing such for my sake and that was not right it turned me off that you were treated that way, but know Karma balances the things people do in the end. Because you were disrespected I also felt as I were also disrespected and only replied to answer the man that got sober and abandoned that thread. Whilst I don't profess to know the backstory of things that happened in the past, I also think people deserve a 2nd (even 3rd or 4th) chance and shouldn't be judged on actions that happened in the past and I think you are a lovely person and you've only been kind to me. Its whats in your heart currently and nobody and I mean nobody is without fault and and forgiveness is best saved for yourself. We need to forgive ourselves for not being perfect because nobody is. Perhaps is instinct vs intuition.

Good night everyone.

[xperceniol_sal]

Sometimes the past is better left buried.

[xperceniol_sal]

I'm very much a work in progress.

[xperceniol_sal]

Still Whilst I've come a long LONG way I still have a very long way to go until I reach my desired level of comfort. I'm no longer seeking happiness rather contentment and solace.

There are things still nagging at me and things I can't unsee or get out of my head and I'll have to take that to the grave. IN 50 years I've see a lot that I wish I hadn't and I could leave in the past (easier said than done) but I can't change that and even though there were largely unpleasant experiences those experiences shaped me into the man I've become (Loving - accepting - sensitive - compassionate - empathetic) and I do love myself. There are aspects of myself I wish and do want to change, but Whilst that may be the case, I also want to accept all of myself "as is" because I have no unrealistic expectations anymore and I take life one day at a time. And for the remaining time left on this planet I want to just me "Me" ... take me or leave me - love me or not.

Ok new paragraph.

Expecting a pill to fix everything is unrealistic and cognitive behavioral changes/modifications are the best hope to dig myself out of this hole I find myself stuck in. I'm moody and I'll admit that any day of the week. I change as do we all and yesterday is over and I feel differently each day as I never (fully) know what to expect. That being said, I'm still on far too much medication(s) that I care to be one and this all ads up to a polluted body and a deadened soul/spirit. These medications remove and steal away our creativity and personality and what makes us special. Take case in point, the great talented Jim Carrey - he prefers to stay without meds. He is bipolar and if you watch his movies its pretty clear he was/is at his best when in the manic phase. I'm trying to cut back but my body knows the difference at even the slightest change/adjustment in dosage. I want to go back to using meds a needed. Over a decade of alcoholism and drug addiction has changed my brain and I've suffered as a result, and again, I can't go back, but I wish I'd made better choices; but, I'm still here to tell about it when others weren't so lucky like the late great and talented Heath Ledger.

I'm gonna submit this and expand upon this as it comes to me scattered. I'm very much a scatter brain.

Well I just hit a dead spot and I can no longer put into words what I'm currently feeling so I'll leave this posting at that for today. Tomorrows another day and I'll dust myself and try; try again.



Hope everyone is doing alright and managing as best as can be and enjoying computer tech happenings.

[xperceniol_sal]

Overall whilst not too bad of a day it wasn't ideal; but I did tell myself to not go out with any unrealistic expectations, in fact, I set the bar sort of low nowadays.

I have MAJOR trust issues and when people ask my name out in public I say Bob and if they were to ask my last name I would say Smith. I don't trust people in real life because I can't be sure of their intentions. I try to go largely unnoticed when in public and I usually am only in public for short periods of time and am very much a "homebody". I find solace in my dwelling with my plant and I feel even better when the other guys are gone and just the staff is here. I trust them and they know me, but if I had it my way, I'd never go out anymore as I feel (sense) danger outside. I see in people's eyes that they are not trustworthy. I'm fine with exchanging pleasantries but I prefer it to not go much further.

[xperceniol_sal]

[xperceniol_sal]

Overall today was tough for me, but I powered though it; somehow - how I've no idea.

I woke up wrong for some reason. I managed to get outside for a walk an was not present for all of it as I was on auto-pilot. I felt flat and numb to be honest.

I've started to revert back to old bad behavior(s) and am once again consuming potato chips and way to much sugar and sweets. I need to get back on track and catch this nose-dive before I head down that road again leading to destruction.

They took a few of us out today and feed the ducks and that was nice and whilst I enjoyed the animals I again struggled with other people. People mess everything up for me and can ruin a good day. I see what others don't and I'm very much "in tune" to what is not on the surface. People try but they can't' disguise their fake persona and I (unfortunately) see this and it sours me. I suppose I could be conceived as a hypocrite by others that would read this as me not 'fitting in' when that is not at all what I want ... to fit in with this narrow-minded society filled with self righteous people ready to judge others for being "different". It seems more-and-more to me that we live in a cookie cutter world and everyone appears to be robotic and struggling to shape themselves to become what they see on TV or they have strange role models - I can't tell anymore. What is wrong with being an individual. Why can't people just be themselves rather than constantly molding themselves into whatever "Normal" is (to them).

I may have to pick this up in the AM as I'm out of breath.

Be well, eclipse members and others reading.

I'm going to post this much and see what happens because I'm hitting a wall with my words.

[xperceniol_sal]

My plants are getting bigger and bigger and they bring me such peace within, I can't say the same with being around other people.

Must get back on my feet again and return to walking as I've been stuck in the house for almost a week doing nothing but wallowing in pity. This isn't good and only validates the deep dark lows of depression and this is the last thing I think I need. I've learned that is the amount of time wen spend down that can be a Determinant to our health. I need to get back up and clean up my act and start eating right again. I will starting today. Whilst I have these moments when I have the drive and ambition they don't seem to last long enough and I fall down into old bad habits that has always proven to add to my current situation. I was hoping to be off some of the medication I'm on by now but the time just isn't right and its more important I stay mentally stable. Sometimes I feel there are insurmountable odds AGAINST me and this is an "uphill" battle - always has been and I've struggled all my life so all too fitting that I'd be left struggling today when I'd hoped I'd be in a better place by now, but even just typing that can affirm that I'm in a bad place and that alone can be a determinant to my well-being.

Ok! No unrealistic expectations today other than to improve upon where I am currently and see how it goes and go with the flow and stay in motion. Today *seems* better than yesterday and I'll take IT!

[xperceniol_sal]

I recon its about the "recovery" time and when life get you down, how long its takes for one to recover and salvage the day. Today was rough, not going to lie, its actually started out fairly decent but the pain and depression got the best of me at times and I had to surrender and come home whilst others were able to remain doing activities. However, that being said, I was able to recover and I feel back to 90% which isn't too bad considering how far down at one point I was.

Just for the record, I want the community to know I can be trusted and I'm just a simple guy struggling to get by with little humble means. Mister Blobfish is pretty harmless overall and he (3rd person ... hehe) just wants the same as others - nothing more; nothing less - Just the ability to exist in this cruel society of self absorbed people. I understand its 'every man for his own' and 'survival of the fittest' and at times I feel I fall very short.

[xperceniol_sal]

If this hard drive lasts till the end of the year I'll be shocked! I've even done the very long "test and repair" but that be stubborn sector wont remap and even chkdsk c: /x/f/r wont fix it. My computers are quite old and have been through hell TBH....

[xperceniol_sal]

Been struggling lately to get up and stay up - been very difficult to cope with life and stress. Its hard when I only have myself and I to turn to. Life has taught me the only person you can count on when the 'rough gets going' is yourself. Nowadays I rely on my beautiful plants and my walks; even though the agoraphobia has been 'off the chart' lately and I haven't' been getting out as much as I should.

I'd like to start writing more on here again and spend more time on eclipse. Real life has to be priority over online but the loneliness sometimes is "bone crushing" to say the very least. I know isolation has both t a good side and bad, and regrettably, even though I DO very much enjoy and appreciate my own company, its also good to just be around nature and be outside. People OTOH are a whole different story and I find society as of late here in the USA to be very much toxic to my well-being. Politics are wearing me out and I'm just trying to be my authentic self and try to somehow (dare I even use the word) enjoy this life and recover and salvage what is left. As I get older, mortality tends to smack you in the head when you look in the mirror and see in full view the lines and grey hair ... what is left of it ... I see more hair in the brush and in the sink drain. Had anybody told me I'd be in my 50's suffering with this debilitating condition I'd had laughed them in the face ... but here I am and wherever I go - there I am. Ya know.

[K4sum1]

I find I just can't stay on a good schedule, so I just go to bed whenever and wake up whenever. I can stay up 24+ hours, or sleep 15+ hours, or both. I woke up a few hours ago.

I just never go outside. There's nobody that likes me out there, and being inside is a lot more comfortable. All my friends are online.

[Possum98]

I find I just can't stay on a good schedule, so I just go to bed whenever and wake up whenever. I can stay up 24+ hours, or sleep 15+ hours, or both. I woke up a few hours ago.

I just never go outside. There's nobody that likes me out there, and being inside is a lot more comfortable. All my friends are online.

being in a big family like im in ive been raised to be more social with others even not online and i made a lot of friends by doing this even some that are older than me even

[xperceniol_sal]

Thank you @K4sum1 and @Possum98 for popping in to say hello.

Yeah, we all just do what we can with what we have. Sleep has always been an issue for me. I have serious trust issues and people are not longer approachable because everyone is wound up by politics. Everybody is badly divided here so its better to keep to myself.

Again, I appreciate you both posted and I absolutely welcome replies as this thread is not just about me, just glad to be here.

Today was much better and I walked about a mile to to the dollar store to get my diet coke. Mister Blobfish doesn't have much money and so must save up for my coffee or soda for these little outings. I make due (barely get by) with little means nowadays.

[xperceniol_sal]

...I can stay up 24+ hours, or sleep 15+ hours, or both

Sadly I can't stay up for 24 hours without going psychotic. I'm on medication for both depression and psychosis. Glad that works for you though.

[xperceniol_sal]

being in a big family like im in ive been raised to be more social with others even not online and i made a lot of friends by doing this even some that are older than me even

Sounds like you have a nice family and I'm happy for you.

[K4sum1]

Yeah, we all just do what we can with what we have. Sleep has always been an issue for me. I have serious trust issues and people are not longer approachable because everyone is wound up by politics. Everybody is badly divided here so its better to keep to myself.

Sleep is an issue for me in the opposite sense. I have to stay up until I feel tired, which results in me not having a consistent schedule. My body also randomly either only lets me get 6-8 hours of sleep or I can just sleep for 15+ hours. If I try to force myself to be on a normalish schedule, I end up having trouble sleeping and don't get as much sleep as I need when waked up by alarm. I eventually get miserable enough that I just can't do it anymore and stop.

For politics, I usually don't mention it unless someone else begins. One side hates me for some aspects of my being and that can be what starts an argument like that. The forum though isn't meant for political discussion, so I'll likely just delete anything that occurs or ban if it's trollish. Usually other platforms that this happens on.

[SatoshiHikari]

Yeah, we all just do what we can with what we have. Sleep has always been an issue for me. I have serious trust issues and people are not longer approachable because everyone is wound up by politics. Everybody is badly divided here so its better to keep to myself.

Sleep is an issue for me in the opposite sense. I have to stay up until I feel tired, which results in me not having a consistent schedule. My body also randomly either only lets me get 6-8 hours of sleep or I can just sleep for 15+ hours. If I try to force myself to be on a normalish schedule, I end up having trouble sleeping and don't get as much sleep as I need when waked up by alarm. I eventually get miserable enough that I just can't do it anymore and stop.

For politics, I usually don't mention it unless someone else begins. One side hates me for some aspects of my being and that can be what starts an argument like that. The forum though isn't meant for political discussion, so I'll likely just delete anything that occurs or ban if it's trollish. Usually other platforms that this happens on.

I've learned this the hard way before on this very forum and i regret it still to this day (and have fixed my ways since then)

[xperceniol_sal]

For politics, I usually don't mention it unless someone else begins. One side hates me for some aspects of my being and that can be what starts an argument like that. The forum though isn't meant for political discussion, so I'll likely just delete anything that occurs or ban if it's trollish. Usually other platforms that this happens on.

Yeah that is best, K4sum1, we don't need that here. Oh and when I said: "Everybody is badly divided here so its better to keep to myself. " ... I didn't mean on the forum (here) I meant (here) where I reside - when I live now, people are handicap in one way or another and (as you said for your situation) one side hate me for just being "me". I'm just an average guy, nothing special just trying to survive in my little bubble I've created for myself. I'm not perfect - nobody is or without sin. There's noting out there for me anymore and I just want to be left alone for my remaining years because people are too divided and conflicted in their own beliefs. Like now, I'm home and I feel fine and wouldn't want friends around me asking for money I don't have or draining me of my energy with drama. I find comfort around water and I wish I had my own fish again; but we're not allowed such here anymore after fish tanks busted and water went everywhere.

[xperceniol_sal]

[xperceniol_sal]

[xperceniol_sal]

[xperceniol_sal]