Eclipse Community

Brain-Fog city as of late .... ugh!

So, today I started walking again outside (yikes) ... very scary being outside by myself. I usually only go out with my support workers in the evening but I wanted to feel the sun on my shoulders. I wasn't all present but I made it. I feel this will help me with my depression and anxiety. Sure, it can sometimes feel worse but I'm glad to get fresh air because being agoraphobic I don't get much (sometimes weeks in the house). I'm also trying to eat breakfast again. I'm not trying to get fat but see if I can get my strength back - I am almost recovered from covid - but not quit there YET.

Hope all is well with everyone.

So as I said, I'm now walking (very) short walks without my support workers (which I'm allowed so long as I don't stray too far) and I'm getting sunlight. Screw Vit D Pills ... nothing beats natural sunlight on the skin. Still fighting the loneliness but I can get past it and appreciate the quiet. I love sitting in silence and meditating. I usually do 5 minutes a day depending on my stress level(s). Meditation has become my life-saver; I tell ya! Better than the pills. I'm on still WAY too much medicine but my therapist says this is NOT the right time to taper because I tend to slip into psychosis around this time of year. I do better in the fall. I'm not looking forward to the smoldering hot muggy days yet to come, and there isn't much for me other than when they take a few of us out to feed the animals.

My sleep is a bit poor as of late, but I'm working on it. I need 5 hours of quality sleep to stay (somewhat) together.

Otherwise, I'm (overall) doing better than last month. I'll TAKE IT. Day-by-day and moment-by-moment.

On a side note: My 2 computers are still hanging in there and they are still working for me. The association will likely at some point want everybody using a tablet YUCK YUCK YUCK but that day has not come yet. I just baby them now.

Just struggling as of late - I don't know. Could be worse - could be better. I'm just not 100% recovered quite yet but (I think) I'll get there.

well summer is officially upon us the season of beach party"s and barbecues a time to learn what you can and can"t take in life and what things can be fixed the season of lessons learned and giving up what hurts you so much

RedBeam wrote: *

20 May 2025, 17:44

... a time to learn what you can and can"t take in life and what things can be fixed the season of lessons learned and giving up what hurts you so much...

You're so right and what you wrote helped me today - I need to remember to take in life and work on what can be fixed and accept what can't be fixed and gain the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you, RedBeam; and if I don't see you before enjoy the holiday weekend.

RedBeam wrote: *

20 May 2025, 17:44

...the season of beach party"s and barbecues...

Its just so hard when you're not even on speaking terms with your family. Oh well ... at least its very quiet because most everybody went away and I'm fine with that I had to delete 2 postings from my own thread because I suddenly felt unsafe ... better of with some things left unsaid I guess; I'm just glad I have you for a friend - you're a good person, RedBeam. To tell you the truth, I don't know why our other friends are so quiet - I hope they are OK ?!?!

It's been ages since I've gone to like a real party or had barbecue or anything outside. My family doesn't ever do those, and I have no irl friends to do anything like that with.

My experience (which says nothing about others experiences, just states MY experiences, lol) -

There are only TWO types of folks that do barbecues --

1) Families with very awesome "family values" that do barbecues for the KIDS they are raising, and
2) Drunks with terrible "family values" that do barbecues for an excuse to drink

K4sum1 wrote: *

25 May 2025, 05:10

It's been ages since I've gone to like a real party or had barbecue or anything outside. My family doesn't ever do those, and I have no irl friends to do anything like that with.

Me too. I also don't have any friends irl either to so something like that with. I'm friendly with people in my complex but that's about it. Thank you for popping in to say hi, K4 and you're a very good person.

The-10-Pen wrote: *

25 May 2025, 08:20

My experience (which says nothing about others experiences, just states MY experiences, lol) -

There are only TWO types of folks that do barbecues --

1) Families with very awesome "family values" that do barbecues for the KIDS they are raising, and
2) Drunks with terrible "family values" that do barbecues for an excuse to drink

Yeah, i agree with 1 and 2. Thank you for your input and that helped lesson the sting a little bit. I'm 53 with no kids and I'm glad (mostly) that it is that way. Thank you again, The-10-Pen.

The-10-Pen wrote: *

25 May 2025, 08:20

My experience (which says nothing about others experiences, just states MY experiences, lol) -

There are only TWO types of folks that do barbecues --

1) Families with very awesome "family values" that do barbecues for the KIDS they are raising, and
2) Drunks with terrible "family values" that do barbecues for an excuse to drink

i guess i fall into 1 with having a awesome rare big family

RedBeam wrote: *

25 May 2025, 13:26

i guess i fall into 1 with having a awesome rare big family

I fall into BOTH.
LARGE family with some "good sheeps" and some "bad sheeps".

Witnessed "drinking" tear the sh#t out of what looked like "good sheeps".

Witnessed "recreational" drugs (illegal drugs that 20% of Americans "proudly" use) tear the sh#t out of family members still in DENIAL of the "recreation" turning their lives to sh#t.

The-10-Pen wrote: *

25 May 2025, 14:02

RedBeam wrote: *

25 May 2025, 13:26

i guess i fall into 1 with having a awesome rare big family

...Witnessed "drinking" tear the sh#t out of what looked like "good sheeps".

Witnessed "recreational" drugs (illegal drugs that 20% of Americans "proudly" use) tear the sh#t out of family members still in DENIAL of the "recreation" turning their lives to sh#t...

Yeah me too, but I made it through addiction "there but for the grace of God, go I" and for a while I wasn't doing very well at all. I could have died and I wanted to die. I used to drink whisky and I did use drugs and I'm paying for it in my 50's; now, I only take what my doctors prescribe me and I never EVER touch alcohol. I'm still on too much medication but my mental health isn't all that great and right now I need to concern myself with trying to remain as 'stable' as possible. A lot of my old friends didn't make it out alive and I know I've shortened my life and I'm OK with that, I guess seeing I have no 'life' anyway - I'm just existing - not living by any stretch.

I know this is supposed to be a detox thread so sorry for bring the mood down.

The-10-Pen wrote: *

25 May 2025, 14:02

RedBeam wrote: *

25 May 2025, 13:26

i guess i fall into 1 with having a awesome rare big family

I fall into BOTH.
LARGE family with some "good sheeps" and some "bad sheeps".

Witnessed "drinking" tear the sh#t out of what looked like "good sheeps".

Witnessed "recreational" drugs (illegal drugs that 20% of Americans "proudly" use) tear the sh#t out of family members still in DENIAL of the "recreation" turning their lives to sh#t.

being homeschooled we learned alot on avoiding the modern rise of addiction and drinking my family rarely ever does execpt for at partys every so often

xperceniol_sal wrote: *

25 May 2025, 13:02

Thank you for popping in to say hi, K4 and you're a very good person.

I was going to reply to something else, but then I realized it's a bit depressing so I decided not to.

K4sum1 wrote: *

26 May 2025, 09:17

xperceniol_sal wrote: *

25 May 2025, 13:02

Thank you for popping in to say hi, K4 and you're a very good person.

I was going to reply to something else, but then I realized it's a bit depressing so I decided not to.

^Thinking about you ... keep yourself busy as possible and catch yourself when heading into dark territory and Pendulate. Be good to yourself ... other people hurt us and we needn't contribute. Anything else helpful would make me a hypocrite seeing I'm struggling myself with Seasonal Affect Disorder and I do better in the fall. Everybody is in a bathing suit at the beach and at 53 I would have to hard out barf bags. LOL.......

https://healingshame.com/articles/pendulation-by-bret-lyon-phd

RedBeam wrote: *

25 May 2025, 18:18

The-10-Pen wrote: *

25 May 2025, 14:02

RedBeam wrote: *

25 May 2025, 13:26

i guess i fall into 1 with having a awesome rare big family

I fall into BOTH.
LARGE family with some "good sheeps" and some "bad sheeps".

Witnessed "drinking" tear the sh#t out of what looked like "good sheeps".

Witnessed "recreational" drugs (illegal drugs that 20% of Americans "proudly" use) tear the sh#t out of family members still in DENIAL of the "recreation" turning their lives to sh#t.

being homeschooled we learned alot on avoiding the modern rise of addiction and drinking my family rarely ever does execpt for at partys every so often

I think in a lot of ways u r fortunate. Trust me; u didn't miss a thing, I barely graduated myself and I'm not all the bright.

Nah, no furtune and not fortunate.
The secret to life is to not "only" learn from your OWN mistakes, but to also learn from OTHER PEOPLE'S mistakes.
And let's face it, we all know a MISTAKE when we see one.
We all know people LIVING IN DENIAL.
Just because they "deny" their MISTAKES doesn't mean we have to "deny" their MISTAKES.

The only 'lesson' I learned from public school it how easy it is to fall victim to bullies - I was bullied all through school for being Autistic and Feminine and I spent the majority of my days (being held beck for 1 year) in special ed class and never learned a thing. The only lessons I learned was that hard way .... from myself. I'm not in denial either - I know I contributed to my situation. The best 'lesson' is to not repeat those same mistakes and the teachers were awful to me then in the 70's and not understanding at all. Public school was miserable for me and it was (and still is) a blur that destroyed my self-esteem. I guess through it all I learned to be more Humble, Forgiving, and Kind but I will NEVER change whom I am for anybody now - I'm just ME. That being said I'm closed off to this toxic society so I'm not all that open - open to new ideas and open up on the forums but I embrace the solace (not the same a solitude although can be similar)

I'm very much 'a work in progress'.

I didn't take much from school. Figured early that people are problematic.

In early elementary school days, I was in the choir for a year. And everyone except me were crazy. There was constant chaos, it was just pointless. I dropped it after a year. I thought I joined a choir, not an insane asylum. Apparently they got another teacher sometime after that, but I didn't care anymore.

That was the one and only ever outside regular school activity that I participated in.

I don't relate to how 99% of people tick. Doesn't take much to not be a prick.

xperceniol_sal wrote: *

28 May 2025, 15:51

I was bullied all through school for being Autistic

Well, if there is anything "fortunate" as for me, it is that I am/have (and I *prefer* the term that doc's no longer use!) ASPERGER'S.
I basically "function" okay, but I do have to always "remind" myself that I see the world DIFFERENTLY than the world sees itself.
Which, to me, is the biggest ADVANTAGE to have ever "befallen" me!

The-10-Pen wrote: *

29 May 2025, 12:52

xperceniol_sal wrote: *

28 May 2025, 15:51

I was bullied all through school for being Autistic

...I do have to always "remind" myself that I see the world DIFFERENTLY than the world sees itself...

Yeah I need to remind myself of that; as well and remember, its both a curse and a blessing in this society (I wouldn't want to be 'cockier-cutter'). An old friend of mine Ponder / Digidave used to tell me [paraphrasing] "its 100% 'normal' to be unstable in a 100% unstable society. Thank you, The-10-Pen

Things are improving and I'm now able to cut back on some of my addictive meds - I'd like to use the benzodiazepine only as need as Ponder / Digidave was doing back in 2021. He taught me a lot and I *still* use his advice. If you're reading know you made a good impression on me and I hope somehow your life manged to work out because I know you were going through hell the last we chatted.

Sal