Then dust yourself off and try again

[xperceniol_sal]

well today was day 3 so 3 days to go still but its been fun!

I hope you enjoyed spending time with your family at the beach.

On a side note: I'm starting to feel like our friends are ghosting us because I suddenly feel quite lonely. I swore to myself I'd avoid this thread for good but I'm curious on how you feel about this

I'm okay(ish)

PS: Let me know either by pm or posting and if you also would rather avoid this thread I'll delete the posting. I wouldn't mind letting this thread get buried.

Hope you are well.

[Possum98]

well today was day 3 so 3 days to go still but its been fun!

I hope you enjoyed spending time with your family at the beach.

On a side note: I'm starting to feel like our friends are ghosting us because I suddenly feel quite lonely. I swore to myself I'd avoid this thread for good but I'm curious on how you feel about this

I'm okay(ish)

PS: Let me know either by pm or posting and if you also would rather avoid this thread I'll delete the posting.

Hope you are well.

i don't think you did anything wrong and im not ignoring you being on vacation has taken alot of my time with constent events is all

[RedBeam]

and the thread should not be deleted

[xperceniol_sal]

Oh, ok, thank you for the reassurance that I didn't do anything wrong even though I feel like I'm guilty. Only you and K4 acknowledged the DM. And I sent it to Ucyborg, Mina, Sunryze, yourself and K4.

Again, I appreciate that you took time to post here to me, you've become a very good friend to me and good friends are hard to come by these days. WOW you were fast

EDIT: Perhaps I'm only thinking of myself ... not hearing from them makes me wonder/worry that something is wrong with them or they're not doing well themselves.

If your reading - I do just hope you're OK guys.

2nd EDIT: Remember I do have OCD so that also plays a part in my worry.

Going to shut down for today

See ya soon,

Sal

[RedBeam]

Oh, ok, thank you for the reassurance that I didn't do anything wrong even though I feel like I'm guilty. Only you and K4 acknowledged the DM. And I sent it to Ucyborg, Mina, Sunryze, yourself and K4.

Again, I appreciate that you took time to post here to me, you've become a very good friend to me and good friends are hard to come by these days. WOW you were fast

EDIT: Perhaps I'm only thinking of myself ... not hearing from them makes me wonder/worry that something is wrong with them or they're not doing well themselves.

If your reading - I do just hope you're OK guys.

2nd EDIT: Remember I do have OCD so that also plays a part in my worry.

Going to shut down for today

See ya soon,

Sal

your alot of my inspiration even during are early msfn days and showed me how to overcome my self-worthlessness and realised i can trust more then just myself now (ive seen proof of that)

[xperceniol_sal]

I'm glad I was of some help to you. I remember when you joined actually (I think) ... you must have been very young; but I also remember when we all thought XP was over and you had patches that worked, did you save them by any chance? Others might find them helpful.

Ok, so, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have none at all. AARRGGHH

Rough going lately with the brain-fog and my OCD is acting up pretty bad. Still battling the depersonalization-derealization disorder and there is no medication for it - only cognitive behavioral therapy. I meditate several times a day for 3 to 5 minutes. Even whilst walking I can meditate:

Breathe/inhale in the white light and exhale the black bullshit (mental picture envision) ... its that simple ... people think its magic and it is NOT> Just get in touch with the psyche. In all honesty I'm broken

[xperceniol_sal]

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow that I really am not looking forward to, but oh well.

Will likely find something to watch for a movie (non triggering) and I've made some sleep tea (for relaxation) and meditate for tonight. I didn't do much today other that post here and on the XP forum so even though I said only 1 tech forum I guess why limit my connections and resources. Its just, with Agoraphobia sometime too much internet time can be a detriment. I'll limit mostly to morning and evening before bed (xp forum in the AM only) and I don't do all that much on my mental health forum nowadays and I should get out in the afternoon anyway and not sit here in this (uncomfortable) computer chair LOL......

Okay and OK

See all y'all tomorrow

Be well

[xperceniol_sal]

The physical therapy is really kicking my butt but I'm managing. The swelling in my legs is at time troubling. I manage as best a possible.

Everything see surreal to me now and reality is become a blur at times and I wonder how long I can keep this up; but what other choice do I have other than to limp through life 'worse for the wear'. I'm glad I'm a loner during times like and I fit in this society like a square peg in a rough hole. I manage whilst trying my best to enjoy my own company.

Today they took a few of us out to the goodwill and I picked up another keyboard for 6 bucks and I'm typing on it now and its awesome to find such deals and thrift stores. I keep my computers going even though the hard drives are not in good shape.



Should be a quiet weekend and I hope to do some walking as part of my family and I are not even in speaking terms and I couldn't care less. I plan to watch movies and if somebody talks me to the mall (I don't drive) then I'll go; otherwise, I'm going to try asmr therapy.

https://greatist.com/health/asmr-therapy

EDIT: Needed to fix mistakes.

[xperceniol_sal]

Overall therapy went well today, though, and I just need to tough out the symptoms because I don't want to go on any more medicine. I forbid it.

[RedBeam]

happy birthday to are dear forum friend mina354 and we hope you return someday

[xperceniol_sal]

happy birthday to are dear forum friend mina354 and we hope you return someday

OH, I didn't know that ... happy birthday, Mina, we miss you. We also miss you UCyborg and Sunryze too. Haven't seen you guys in quite some time - I hope you guys are doing well.

[UCyborg]

I'm still walking and talking (took that from Firefly). I'm free the following week. Not sure if good or bad thing, sometimes the demons attack at times like these.

I made some progress yesterday improving stability and getting rid of bigger memory leaks in Interstate '76. I got tired of playing before anything would go seriously wrong. Well, except in one of the scenario missions, the AI just froze... Both DXWnd's MCI music player and nGlide survived, they usually succumb to memory corruption bugs.

Still have some testing to do under older Windows. There are still memory corruption bugs lurking in there, difficult to find. And DirectDraw code rendering menus is pretty glitchy on modern Windows, I wonder if something could be done by tweaking parameters to make it work better without using wrappers.

And finally, have to transplant recent fixes to the expansion as well.

[xperceniol_sal]

YAY!!!

It's great to see you again, UCyborg

[K4sum1]

Oh, ok, thank you for the reassurance that I didn't do anything wrong even though I feel like I'm guilty. Only you and K4 acknowledged the DM. And I sent it to Ucyborg, Mina, Sunryze, yourself and K4.

Mina hasn't been online on both Eclipse or MSFN for a while. However i noticed Sunryze has been online on MSFN recently, but not Eclipse. Maybe I could shoot a DM, but I'd think it would be better if RedBeam were to do it.

[xperceniol_sal]

...but I'd think it would be better if RedBeam were to do it...

I do too ... maybe we'll see him here again - he's a nice fella'.

[RedBeam]

Oh, ok, thank you for the reassurance that I didn't do anything wrong even though I feel like I'm guilty. Only you and K4 acknowledged the DM. And I sent it to Ucyborg, Mina, Sunryze, yourself and K4.

Mina hasn't been online on both Eclipse or MSFN for a while. However i noticed Sunryze has been online on MSFN recently, but not Eclipse. Maybe I could shoot a DM, but I'd think it would be better if RedBeam were to do it.

i have nothing to.do with msfn anymore so it would have to be someone whos actually active there to do the pm

[xperceniol_sal]

I think what K4 was implying is that you could send him a "hello how are you" DM (he is a member here) ... seeing as it would come across as funny coming from the owner and me ... I'm old enough to be his dad. Just he was very supportive to me over at MSFN in the cafe.

[xperceniol_sal]

Well ... I was discharged from physical therapy because I made no improvement. I'm really bummed because I'm trying to avoid surgery, but the DOC says I'll need it someday anyway but I don't wan to be tied down and in bed. I'm very sad. I'll miss the routine, but I must get out everyday to walk even short walks to keep active. He said to stay active.

I'll try to go for another walk this evening with my support worker and I'm now watching Misery with Kathy Bates and its happy.

[UCyborg]

I'm really bummed because I'm trying to avoid surgery, but the DOC says I'll need it someday anyway

Ugh...that sucks. I hope they don't mean some quackery, I don't trust those psychos one bit...good doctors are rare.

Tuesday was just a waste and yesterday I was pretty low on energy and feeling out of it. At least I took the car in for regular maintenance, so that'll be good for a while.

[xperceniol_sal]

I'm really bummed because I'm trying to avoid surgery, but the DOC says I'll need it someday anyway

Ugh...that sucks. I hope they don't mean some quackery, I don't trust those psychos one bit...good doctors are rare.

Tuesday was just a waste and yesterday I was pretty low on energy and feeling out of it. At least I took the car in for regular maintenance, so that'll be good for a while.

Yeah, I am very untrusting myself of the medical profession and don't worry I'll get a 2nd and 3rd opinion before I let anybody dig into me. I'm still doing the physical therapy exercises at home, though.

I also have those days when I just feel "out if it" and I'm just going on 'auto-pilot' Glad the car is all set for a while.

Just a haunting soothing song to play.

[xperceniol_sal]

Didn't do much today. Today I went to pick up an extension cord for my (corded) Broadcastvision Fitness Cinema headphones (6 FT) so when I lift my head and I don't hurt the jack on the computer because the cord is too short to reach the jack well enough. I felt dizzy most of the day and words and memory escaped me. When the pressure is too much, I suffer selective mutism and all I can do is smile and nod my head. Sometimes I wonder if my memory is going because I have 'spotty' memory spots. Today I felt like I was just going thought the motions. Still dealing with intrusive thoughts and trying to release them as quickly as they come. One thing I've learned, is, when you try and fight the mind ... it will fight you back.

...might write more later.

[xperceniol_sal]

[RedBeam]

Rebuilding trust after being hurt involves acknowledging your emotions, practicing vulnerability, and actively seeking trustworthy behaviors in others. It's a process that requires time, self-compassion, and a willingness to take measured risks, according to various sources.
Here's a more detailed breakdown:
1. Acknowledge and Process Your Feelings:

Grieve and heal: Allow yourself time to process the pain and hurt caused by past betrayals.

Identify your trust issues: Understand the root of your distrust and why it's affecting your ability to trust.
Consider therapy: A therapist can help you explore your emotions, identify patterns, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

2. Practice Vulnerability and Communication:

Embrace vulnerability: Be open to sharing your feelings and thoughts with others, but start slowly and with trusted individuals.

Communicate your needs and boundaries: Clearly communicate your expectations and what you need from others.
Learn to set healthy boundaries: Protect yourself by setting limits and not overextending yourself.

3. Look for Trustworthy Behaviors:

Follow through on small things: Demonstrate reliability by keeping your promises and following through on commitments.

Spread the trust: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Trust a few people in your life a little bit, rather than relying on one person entirely.
Actively seek trustworthy individuals: Look for people who demonstrate kindness, empathy, and reliability.

4. Build Trust in Yourself:

Self-trust: Believe in your own abilities and intuition.

Self-compassion: Be kind and understanding towards yourself, especially when you are struggling.
Challenge negative beliefs: If you believe you're unworthy of trust, actively challenge that belief and replace it with a more positive one.

5. Prioritize Relationships and Communication:

Communicate openly and honestly: Be transparent with your emotions and expectations.

Listen actively and empathetically: Show that you care about the other person's feelings.
Build a strong foundation of communication: Focus on creating a safe and supportive environment where you can communicate openly and honestly.

6. Seek Professional Help if Needed:

Therapy can be invaluable:
.

A therapist can help you process past traumas, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and rebuild trust in yourself and others.
Consider couples therapy:
.
If you are in a relationship where trust has been broken, couples therapy can help you rebuild communication and trust.

7. Remember to Be Patient:

Trust is a process:
Rebuilding trust takes time and effort. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen overnight.

Celebrate small victories:
Acknowledge the progress you've made and celebrate the steps you've taken towards rebuilding trust.
Focus on the future:
Create a vision for a future where you can trust others and experience positive relationships.

[xperceniol_sal]

7. Remember to Be Patient:

Trust is a process:
Rebuilding trust takes time and effort. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen overnight.

Thank you for sharing this, RedBeam, and I try to remember number 7 - it took me a while to get here and it could take a while to recover even though I do get discouraged.

[xperceniol_sal]

3. Look for Trustworthy Behaviors:

Follow through on small things: Demonstrate reliability by keeping your promises and following through on commitments.

Spread the trust: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Trust a few people in your life a little bit, rather than relying on one person entirely.
Actively seek trustworthy individuals: Look for people who demonstrate kindness, empathy, and reliability.

Great advice RedBream

[xperceniol_sal]

Well, what to say, I don't know what to say actually, words haven't been coming easily.

I'm doing alright (just alright) with the benzodiazepine taper - I'm down to 2 tablets a day for 2 weeks and they down to 1 table and I only want to use them when I'm absolutely a basket case. Addictive medications are so hard to come off. Although I feel stable I wouldn't say my mental health is all that great and I'm quite pessimistic given that current state of this society. I don't fit and my very existence is at odds with the universe and at times I wish I had never been born at all. But here is am 'the worse for the wear' and surviving. I don't like being in public in June because I feel unsafe during pride month and I'll be glad when its over with when it come to pride all people think about is guys in thongs and leather and it should be about love and dedication and appreciating. As I sit here I don't know what to say. Don't know, even though I need to get a lot off my chest I keep it bottled up and eat at my stomach. I do have ulcers and stress doesn't help.

Ok, so I'll be appreciative that at least I'm stable about all I can say but I'm not a bundle of joy by any stretch of the imagination.

I hope everybody else is doing better than I am.

PS: if you doctors ever try to start you on a benzodiazepine avoid them at all cost; period! Besides they lose effectiveness after a while. Next I do want off the gabapentin too but I'm not there yet. Pills, pills, pills ... they don't fix anything. That being said my antidepressant is keeping me on two feet. Sleep has been rough.

[xperceniol_sal]

Today we took a road trip to the home goods store to see the beautiful furniture and artifacts, I felt like I was at a museum. It was nice to be out in a nice pleasant environment and the people were nice and I picked up a flavor for my coffee in the morning. Actually people we nice to me today but I know only to trust little in people nowadays and give little of myself and only exchange pleasantries with folks because the environment is still unsafe and I already deal with hyper vigilance and paranoia, but I'll take a good day and not overthink it. People don't look happy and everybody is preoccupied. I keep to myself and don't attract attention to myself as much as possible.

I think I'm going to have to take the benzodiazepine taper a bit slower and stay at 1mg of Clonazepam for 3 weeks and then I might have to chop the pills in 1/2 or something for another 3 weeks before I try to jump off it. Trust me ... its a bitch coming off of meds like this and the body goes through withdrawal so slow and steady wins the race.

Overall I feel (sort of) stable but still unhappy and I'm not even seeking happiness just to be content and comfortable. Just nagging things eating away at me. I feel like life has drained me of any joy(s) and dreams I once had and I'm just an empty shell now "waiting'.

Might write more later...

[UCyborg]

You know the difference between a doctor and a lawyer? Lawyer only takes your money, doctor also takes your body parts.



On antidepressants, they dragged me to the doctor once for depression, where I got some pills. It was terrible, felt like dying. The bland nothingness caused by pills was worse than depression.

Never again! That experience taught me to keep the mask on at all times.

[xperceniol_sal]

Yeah, when I'm around people (rarely nowadays) I put on the mask and pretend to be cheerful and sometimes it helps to 'fake it till you make it'. Agreed sometimes the pills cause more issues than you started out with and I wish I'd not started them in the first place. That being said, I take Sertraline 150MG and it does keep me stable without that numb feeling from others and that I'll stay on but I need off the addictive ones.

[The-10-Pen]

I have been very fortunate to have followed a different path.
In the 3rd grade, my teacher handed me an envelope to take home to my parents.
I was never informed of the contents of that envelope until I was in high school!
All I knew at that young age was that DAD took me and my brothers/sisters to school the next day.
Dad never took us to school, something was up!
Dad guided us to the gym and proceeded to the Principal's Office just around the corner.
Every one of us then heard through closed doors that our dad was YELLING and SHOUTING at the Principal!
It wasn't until high school that details were revealed.
The teacher/principal/school wanted to put me on "mood altering drugs".
My parents were DEAD SET AGAINST IT !!!
Dad's famous family quote to every teacher from then on out, "We have learned to deal with him in a loving and respectful manner, SO WILL YOU!"
To this day, I have *NEVER* been "drugged", despite a couple doctors recommending it over the years.
I AM CONVINCED THAT MY LIFE HAS BEEN MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER AS A RESULT !!!