Be Humble Be Forgiving Be Open Be Kind (Depression Detox Thread)

[RedBeam]

How to find yourself when you are feeling lost

Writer: Dr. Emma Medard
Dr. Emma Medard
5 min read

6 ways to discover who you are

Do you know who you are? What you are about? What it is you want in life? Or do you feel like you have lost your own voice, the ability to know what you like or want and actually be able to ask for it? Perhaps you have started to question your choices, you don’t feel happy now but you aren’t sure where you want to go either. It may make you start to question your partner, your job, the way you live your life in general.

Whilst it is natural for our identity, our values and our wants in life to shift over time, sometimes the shift happens when we aren’t looking. We may be so ‘head down’ moving on a certain path or focussed on the day-to-day to-do list that we miss the shift entirely. This means that we can look up one-day and not really recognise ourselves anymore.

This sense of being lost and not being able to find a way forward is a common issue bought to therapy and can cause a lot of distress. What was once considered (somewhat patronisingly) as a ‘midlife crisis’ is now something that we recognise can happen at any point in our lives and can have a big impact on us (no sports car required!).

Signs you are feeling lost


Looking to others for validation and placing too much importance on other people’s opinions, feelings and beliefs to dictate what you do.

Feeling powerless or like you have lost your own voice.

Losing interest or joy in things you used to care about or enjoy.

Not knowing what you like anymore and struggling to assert preferences.

Losing sight of what you need and neglecting your self-care.

Frequent self-criticism

Considering big changes like career or relationships without knowing what is causing the unhappiness or what you want instead.



How/why do we lose ourselves?

As humans we are complex and multifaceted beings. We are not simply one thing. There are many parts of us but so often, stages in our life can mean that one (or a few) parts become the focus to such an extent that it can eclipse all the others. Work, parenting, relationships or being a carer are all common examples. It is not unusual to go on like this for years before we recognise a problem.

The trigger can come because of a sudden change like the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, our health or a loved one or our children leaving home. However, it can also be a gradual creep of acknowledgement that we are unhappy, that we no longer feel like ourselves. We don’t recognise the less dominant parts of us because they have been sidelined for so long and we struggle to remember what we are all about. What do I even like anymore?

Sometimes the way we have been living has been driven by anxiety or fear. We have prioritised certain things or focussed on achieving in order to prove ourselves - so we can feel good enough - and then one day we realise we don’t even want what we have been striving so hard for and we aren’t sure where that leaves us. Many people have told me over the years that they chose their career because it was expected by their parents or because the type of job is aspirational at it would make them feel enough. I’ve lost count of the number of people who have always worked for the next promotion but don’t actually enjoy the roles they are striving for. If we have been motivated by other people’s expectations or pushed forward by fear it can be very alien to work out what it is that YOU are all about.



What to do - How to find yourself again

If you have felt propelled, dragged or simply stuck on a particular course in life, this can be the opportunity to make an active, conscious choice. This can be quite scary. Where do I start? How do I figure out what I want? Does it mean I have to quit my job? leave my partner? Do I have to make big changes? The answer is no not necessarily. For some people that may be what they need but it is in no way a forgone conclusion. Often what we need is to redefine our relationships and our role in them in order to find ourselves again.

1. Get to know where you are right now - without judgement. Imagine you are out driving and you got lost, you would probably flick on the sat nav (if only there was a life version!) and the first thing it would need to do is detect your location now, where you are starting from. This is exactly what you need to do first too. Try to tune into how you are feeling, what your thoughts are, what you are experiencing in your body (sensations etc). This is you now. Keep track of these things for a week or so and see what you find. If you are feeling lost it is often the case that you have been living on auto pilot for so long that you have tuned out these things. You might be surprised by what you find, you might not. You might like what you find, you might not. Whatever it reveals try not to judge yourself. This is your starting point. Take a look at the feelings wheel to help you.

2. Set some boundaries. If you have become lost because so much of you has been given over to doing things for others, keeping people happy or simply keeping the ship afloat it is time to set some boundaries with your time and attention and carve some out for yourself. Delegate some tasks to others, start saying no, put yourself firmly back on the to-do list.

3. Let go of criticism. This will keep you stuck focussed on what has happened, who is at fault, why you are where you are. It won’t help you move forward effectively. When we are feeling lost we need care and kindness to find our way through not judgement and criticism.

4. Reflect on your influences & choices. Take a little time to consider where your expectations about life have come from and what has influenced your choices? We are all influenced to some degree by those around us - sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a more controlling way. Consider how other people’s expectations have impacted on what you have done or how you have been? What are you looking to keep and what would you like to let go of?

5. Consider your values. These are not goals, they are qualities, how you want to be with yourself and the people around you. What kind of person do you want to be, how would you like others to experience you? Even if this is far away from where you are now that’s ok. This is where you want to go, what kind of person you want to be. If you don’t know your values or how to start thinking about them take a look at this blog here.

6. Try some new things. Set yourself a task to do something new and see what you enjoy. Dedicate some time to finding out what floats your boat. See what you are drawn to and what brings you joy. This not only gets us out of auto-pilot but allows us to a) Start actively prioritising ourself and our happiness for a period of time (even if it is small) and b) discover things about ourself. This can be anything from music, experiences, places, activities, clothes, food, exercise, people, holidays etc.

Finding yourself again (or perhaps for the first time) can take time and can be a little daunting. However, it can also be a really great opportunity. If you start to discover things that are difficult or you find yourself getting stuck it can be a good time to seek support from a therapist or coach who can help you along the way.

[RedBeam]

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“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
― George Carlin

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I'm trying to see if I can find a 'life' on sale somewhere ... I know I have a coupon in a drawer somewhere lol

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I'm discovering how hateful people can be and its (truly) a shame since this is holiday season ... I don't know what makes a person hateful and how people can make room in their heart for anything but love ... I only have love in my heart and I care about other people. What a shame; really!

So I plan to enjoy a quiet time with myself this season (most everybody will be away thank God) and appreciate what I do have and not focus on what I don't. I don't have much compare to some, but I'm also not in the position where I would need to panhandle like I see others are. I'm just happy if I can afford to treat myself to a diet coke each day and I'm starting to walk again outside with my support workers. I've spent too much time wallowing in pity and not taking care of myself. I finally shaved after almost a month looking like a mountain man lol...........

Try to be kind and forgiving and humble ... what I think this toxic society is missing is humility. I know its not easy sometimes to battle depression and anxiety but we can get there eventually if we easy up on the stress.

[Duke]

https://www.serenescreen.com

[The-10-Pen]

Pluto.tv has two live "fireplace" channels. Sit and watch a fire burn in the fireplace. One "crackles" but has a sh#tload of ambient noise like the mic is in a wind tunnel. The other plays various Chrismas music like The Nutcracker.

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Pluto.tv has two live "fireplace" channels. Sit and watch a fire burn in the fireplace. One "crackles" but has a sh#tload of ambient noise like the mic is in a wind tunnel. The other plays various Chrismas music like The Nutcracker.

I found it last night on Pluto (I use Pluto and Tubi a lot) and it was very nice. TY

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[RedBeam]

How can I be ok when the world is terrible? A Guide On Overcoming Fear By Mental health America https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-can-i-be-ok-when-world-terrible/

Let’s be honest: The world can be a pretty terrible place. From personal losses to national tragedies and global disasters and everything in between… It’s easy to feel depressed about the state of the world.

Just thinking about the sheer amount of awfulness around us can be completely overwhelming—even paralyzing. The problems are far too big for any single person to solve them. So what can you do? Should you do anything? Should you give up? Is there any “should” to begin with?

It’s normal to feel discouraged about the world.
You may have heard this expression: “If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention.” It’s not just anger—the same goes for depression. Research has shown that people who feel depressed often make more accurate predictions of events than people who don’t [1]. Lots of bad things happen in the world, and feeling bad about them is a normal reaction. It’s okay to feel:

Grief about what’s been lost
Anxious about what’s going to happen next
Overwhelmed by how big the problems are, or how much work it will take to solve them
Disillusioned by the people in positions of power
Guilty for not doing more
Paralyzed by all these feelings
These feelings are all normal. Of course, they’re not fun. And they’re not always particularly useful. Depression may help you clearly see how terrible things are—but it’s also the leading cause of disability in the world [2].

Equally unhelpful: being told to “just stay positive.” Ignoring the horrible things you see around you won’t make them go away, any more than getting depressed about them will. If you want to function in the world and make it a better place, you need to take care of yourself—and then find ways to help however you can.

Is it selfish to prioritize my own mental health?
The desire to help make the world a better place is an incredible thing. If you notice what’s going wrong in the world and feel a responsibility to make it better, that says something really positive about who you are.

You’re still one person. And your ability to make a positive difference is affected by your mental health. If you’re so discouraged you can hardly get out of bed, it’s going to be hard to make a big impact.

Make time for self-care. Sometimes you need to drop the volunteer work and take a bubble bath. Don’t feel bad about the fact that you’re doing something for you. That bubble bath will help you feel refreshed and valued. When you’re ready, you’ll have more of yourself to give.
Make space for gratitude. The world kinda sucks—but it’s also kind of beautiful. You don’t have to ignore the bad things to see the good things.
Acknowledge negative emotions without dwelling on them. Our negative emotions are there to guide and protect us. They motivate us to make changes. It’s when we fixate on them that they start to take over. If you’re having trouble moving on, consider whether you might need some help with a mental health condition like depression or anxiety. (Our online mental health tests are a great place to start.)
Balance being informed with being mentally healthy.
You can’t be “on” all the time. Thinking nonstop about the problems in the world is only going to wear you down. You need to take breaks. Here are a few ways you can do that:

Set limits on your news and social media time. Looking at the news for a few hours a week is a great way to stay informed. Looking at the news nonstop is a great way to get depressed.
Focus on things you can control. We each have our own circle of influence. There are things I can change that you can’t—but there are also things you can change that I can’t. Your circle of influence depends on lots of things: What you feel passionate about. Where you live. What skills or knowledge you have. Whether you have more time than money, or more money than time.
Don’t try to save the whole world all at once. Start where you are, and take one step towards making a bigger difference. That step might be starting to volunteer for an hour a week. Or donating $5 to a cause you care about. Or sharing a post on social media. Or, it might be going back to step one: take care of yourself!
Find other people who care about the same things.
Not many things are lonelier than watching the world burn when no one around you seems to see it. Find someone else who does see it, and talk to them about it. Solving the biggest problems in the world is going to require cooperation. That starts with simply connecting over shared interests.

Some people are fortunate enough to find a workplace where people care about making a difference. (And don’t discount your friends and family. They might not understand… but some of them may surprise you if you give them a chance.)

The world won’t get fixed just by talking about it, but talking about it is a great first step. And “one step at a time” is exactly how things get better.

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Hi there, RedBeam!

I liked your posting but I also think it deserves a reply.

I've read it more than once and that is right, talking about it is a great first step

I hope this message finds you well.

TC

Sal