Then dust yourself off and try again

[xperceniol_sal]

Yeah, the "mood altering drugs" do change the brain for good so its better to NOT start them in the first place so I do think you both are fortunate and I'm trying to come off of a lot and hopefully one day be free from the prison of medication.

EDIT: I meant NOT - typo city today.

[UCyborg]

Sometimes I wonder if reality would be more bearable if I was intoxicated at all times rather than experiencing raw brutal as-is version.

Today, a school shooting happened in Graz. It already got an entry on Wikipedia! I wonder if the shooter was genitally mutilated. If so, I completely get it. Someone had to pay for that crime. If not, well, who says supposed victims weren't scum anyway? Never presume innocence in other people. Don't be fooled by fake smiles and other facade.

[The-10-Pen]

I wonder if the shooter was genitally mutilated.

Knowing/reading your other online posts, are you seriously suggesting that the school shooting boils down to Biblical "Jew versus Gentile" ???

[xperceniol_sal]

I don't know, I'm 'cut' and I guess I just know nothing else and I rarely think about it.

EDIT: Ok I just read the Wikipedia and I guess he said (the shooter) was a victim of bullying a that school that he never graduated from. I was bullied all through school for being autistic and gay and effeminate and I never shot up a place, but this shit does stick with you and till this day I remember all the bullies names and I hope they suffered in life for tearing down my self-esteem. That being said, that experience made me more empathetic to teen bullying and who knows what turns a victim into a killer. Ok, I won't lie I would've loved to beat the shit out of them till this day in public but that is about it; but I'd love to spit on their graves.

Sorry needed to fix mistakes because that made me a bit emotional.

[The-10-Pen]

Well, at the risk of alienating myself from new friends, I shall only say this once.
I too was bullied as a kid. THANKFULLY !!!
Yes, you heard that correctly !!!
It's a hard knock life. Jay Z -- www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEMLhZrZs5U

There comes a point in life where all YOU do to YOURSELF is hold yourself back if all you EVER do is look in the rear view mirror and claim victimhood.

As an ADULT, I *LOVE* that I was bullied as a kid !!!
One of the *greatest* lessons of life I've ever had to live through !!!
D@mn straight I mean every word of it !!!

Where the H#LL would I be now if I lived in a PLASTIC BUBBLE growing up with ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES ???
Don't answer that! I'll answer it for you - I'd still be a CHILD not able to be an ADULT, that's where I would be.

That's my two cents. So the h#ll what if I was bullied as a CHILD. That says NOTHING about my ADULTHOOD.
I am no victim and I will never play that card!

[xperceniol_sal]

...Well, at the risk of alienating myself from new friends...

Well ... you won't alienate me; I appreciate an honest opinion and you had a lot of good points - Being stuck in the past sucks and I wish I didn't have PTSD.

[UCyborg]

I don't think you can learn anything of value by being surrounded by low-lives. I certainly didn't take anything from annoying morons back at school. There was a classmate back at elementary school that had problems with both other classmates and teachers. They must have seen her as the odd one. I didn't. My bother randomly encountered her in recent times, they must have exchanged couple of words. She remembered me for being peaceful, calm and not having any conflicts with her. Well, it doesn't take much to not be a prick, does it?

Being stuck in the past sucks and I wish I didn't have PTSD.

I feel ya. Time doesn't heal all wounds and what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, may just leave you messed up. We all have different breaking points.

In relation to what I wrote above, I feel like I've been surrounded by primitives my whole life and civilization is still stuck in ancient times. I certainly think it would be much better to be around people from who you can learn something valuable. Perhaps in another reality...

Knowing/reading your other online posts, are you seriously suggesting that the school shooting boils down to Biblical "Jew versus Gentile" ???

If it sounded anything like it, it's coincidental, I distance myself from religions and their texts.



It's a hypothetical what if such an act really accomplishes greater good in the grand scheme. Perhaps things really are as bad, history certainly never inspired confidence.

I don't know the solution. On one hand, one becomes the monster he despises by stooping on that level. Although death strikes me as a more merciful punishment for someone that has harmed others, because he won't be there paying the price in person. On other hand, a whole lot more prisons may have to be built if there was such a thing as true justice.

I don't know, I'm 'cut' and I guess I just know nothing else and I rarely think about it.

I don't have to make a conscious decision, the thoughts bleed through no matter what I do. There is no escape and no relief. As a child, I thought something was odd, but couldn't point the finger at it. I felt something was inconsistent compared to other body parts. There is also this strangely persistent, blurry, but nevertheless persistent childhood memory, me just sitting in the bath tub, looking down there, possibly confused. What's the significance? Why I'm not remembering something else instead, like one of the places from family trips?

Back in the elementary school, I had this thought that I'm going to die when I grow up. I was convinced I want to die because adult life oughtta be lame. I don't recall thinking any specifics at the time, like the bills, I just saw death.

I found out what happened when researching sexy things in early 20s. Turned out I already died in 1995. The belief that my body was like how I was born was a lie. It explained the disconnect I feel with my supposed "private" parts since forever. The random pain impulses, the pale zombified appearance, impaired function...that such practice exists, that my parent that is so for truth and honesty handed me over to a monster and kept that from me, then I read on the internet (!!!) I was butchered and part of me thrown in the fucking trash. Hippocratic Oath, "My body, my choice", the constitution, all just empty words written on paper.

So as a surviving piece of trash, I crawl through the existence on this prison planet, waiting for it all to end.

[xperceniol_sal]

Thank you, UCyborg, for this posting and I hope at least it helps to get it off your shoulders and we carry a lot of burden in this existence and I agree with a lot of what you wrote.

[xperceniol_sal]

I feel ya. Time doesn't heal all wounds and what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, may just leave you messed up. We all have different breaking points.

Yeah the only lesson I learned was/is to not trust people hence why I'm a 53 year old recluse with agoraphobia and society proves people can't be trusted and I've learned to enjoy my own company and my plants and my computers - my outlet to the world.

[The-10-Pen]

At 53, I would claim/suggest that you are "wanting" to take the NEGATIVE VIEW.
Why do that TO YOURSELF ??? And yeah, it is something that YOU "do unto" YOU.
Seems to me that at 53, you still compare yourself to a teenager. Unless I'm misreading.

53 year olds are not "supposed to" have as many true and trusted friends as a teenager (who falsely equates "followers" on social media as "friends").
53 year olds are not "supposed to" blindly trust. Wisdom comes with age.
53 years olds are SUPPOSED TO have the "wisdom to know the difference" and know to "not sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff".

edit: maybe that's not worded very well.
To me, it's NEGATIVE THINKING to sit back and complain about an isolated lifestyle.
To me, it's POSITIVE THINKING to just accept what is and be content and happy with what is.

[xperceniol_sal]

...
To me, it's NEGATIVE THINKING to sit back and complain about an isolated lifestyle.
To me, it's POSITIVE THINKING to just accept what is and be content and happy with what is.

Yeah, I don't mean to always make it sound like I'm complaining about being isolated .. it has its good side(s) ... I like being alone and I wouldn't want 2-faced friends anyway I'd rather appreciate my own company and my plants and the occasional squirrels and chipmunks and cats and dogs I bump into. Don't get me wrong, I'm friendly to people when I meet them but I'm also glad to part ways and be on my own. You're so right and my doctors are always telling me to practice radical acceptance. I guess I'm happy with what it is I just wish I recognized this earlier in my life rather than fighting (my) reality. I'm not even seeking happiness rather just to be content one day because I'm still far too conflicted than I care for at this age when I should be relaxing. See the conflicting parts there?! I would find friendship to be exhausting and and I'm not even looking for a partner at this point. I'm poor and I get by on little and I live a modest lifestyle ... and even if were rich I'd still be humble.

Thank you for trying to help me, though. I appreciate it.

[xperceniol_sal]

The funny thing is ... in my 20's I was a social person and went to bars and everything but once I stopped drinking I no longer socialize with others. Maybe in a few years when I'm eligible the senior center will accept me but I doubt it; I don't fit in in this crappy society. Now I *fully* admit I'm screwed up and in this frame of mind I would be an awful friend anyway. I would like to be more positive and see the 'bright side' but I just don't see it nowadays.

[The-10-Pen]

Nothin' funny about it, if you ask me.
To me, that is normal, NORMAL, NORMAL!
I was never a drinker, drinking has "nothing" to do with it.
Socializing is for 20yr olds! Or for people that NEVER GROW UP, in my opinion.
So yeah, a resounding H#LL YEAH, if your life is different now than when you were 20, then THAT IS AWESOME !!!

[UCyborg]

They can preach radical acceptance all they want, but some things are unacceptable and sometimes death is the only solution.

I wasn't the type for drinking, for some, that is the only reason to go out, though not everyone is like that.

I don't know anyone anymore. Meeting people is complicated, I don't go anywhere IRL and the whole meeting online thing is weird to me. Plus, you have to be able to say the right things and I never know what to say.

[xperceniol_sal]

I'll admit I've also been struggling as of late; myself. I keep my outings short nowadays and only go grocery shopping when needed but I'm not sure I even want to meet new people in this toxic society. Commenting on forums is pretty much my life now. Besides its safer being inside.

[xperceniol_sal]

...I don't know anyone anymore...

I don't either and a LOT of the people I used to be close to are dead now. I DO know what is getting the best of me lately is too much reminiscing and nostalgia and that is dangerous for me to go down that road continually. I'm not in a good head space and I feel very disconnected and like I'm just a walking zombie cadaver. I'm already dead I just haven't fallen over yet. I can't even get into a good game anymore without depression taking over. Most days I just curl up on the sofa and wait for bed time.

[The-10-Pen]

Regarding "keeping outings short".
That is something that the whole *BS* "Covid Culture" has STOLEN STOLEN STOLEN from me!

My "outings" were always between the hours of 3am and 7am !!!
But you can't do that anymore because only gas stations are open that early when we used to have Walmart and Meijer both open 24/7.
But not anymore. This s^cks, s^cks, s^cks if you ask me! "Thanks, covid!"

[UCyborg]

Regarding "keeping outings short".
That is something that the whole *BS* "Covid Culture" has STOLEN STOLEN STOLEN from me!

You forgot to patent it. /S

I don't either and a LOT of the people I used to be close to are dead now.

A lot? I was close only to one person from high school. It must have lasted about a decade, then was ghosted shortly after COVID-19 settled down.

Yeah, be here long enough and the death starts knocking. It's an unsettling feeling to say the least, suddenly you realize that or that person is suddenly older than the version in your memory. And at some point, funerals...

People from generation Z tend to remind me, damn, I'm slowly racking up my years.

I'm not in a good head space and I feel very disconnected and like I'm just a walking zombie cadaver. I'm already dead I just haven't fallen over yet.

I relate, moving through life like a walking corpse, all too familiar. Even my (stupid) family occasionally remarks that there's no life in me.

I can't even get into a good game anymore without depression taking over. Most days I just curl up on the sofa and wait for bed time.

Computer games are one shining light in this otherwise anhedonic existence for me. Not as exciting as they used to be, but I'm partially successful in enjoying them again. Work gets in the way, not as thrilled about playing after already spending good amount of time at computer at work.

Played a bit more this week when I was free. I have too many games on my Steam account, but I usually end up just replaying old favorites.

Having your present stained by the past events suck, cannot escape from one's own body, I just cope in a way I'm able to. There's no real solution and people might fall in all sort of holes that end up hurting their bodies more long term. Some sort of physical activity might be beneficial.

[xperceniol_sal]

...Some sort of physical activity might be beneficial...

I think so, too.

[xperceniol_sal]

...cannot escape from one's own body, I just cope in a way I'm able to...

I drank and used drugs for well over a decade trying to escape all to wind up 'full circle' and back where I started and been to rehab countless times and after the last one I've maintained sobriety. Can not go back to that or that would be my demise and that doesn't scare me beyond winding up in more pain or becoming a vegetable. I don't have the energy to come back this time which is why I'm SO SO SO careful nowadays. I'm still on too many pills and the doctor wants to add more and I refuse. To be honest, I'm just plain nuts. I just cope by laying in bed on some days and laying on the sofa 'waiting' for peace - sometimes that comes in sleep and sometimes not

[xperceniol_sal]

But I digress ... when it all comes down to it; I dust myself off and try again what else to do but KEEP GOING!!!